Choice

Now, hey, this is slightly "tongue in cheek" but, who was it that had the bright idea that women should work at some profession outside the home? Sometimes when I pound the alarm clock and drag myself out of bed in the morning for work I wonder; who were those women that carried around protest signs and all of that, in order for me to be able to work? I mean, thanks, but who decided that that’s what I should want? When my husband and I discuss our childcare options for next year when our daughter starts school (who might be able to adjust their work schedule so that she only needs to attend before OR after school childcare and not both), I wonder who it was that decided that the norm should be that moms work outside the home? Who initiated that societal thought switch? Back when my grandma and/or my mom were married, it was expected that their role would be to manage the household and be the primary caregiver to the children. It was simply the norm. There was no question. No one had to figure out childcare schedules. But then, that changed for them, too.

I have an ongoing debate with someone I know who maintains that choices are very different for men than women; men have more limited choices than women. To this way of thinking, women can choose to 1) work, 2) stay at home, or 3) some combination of the two. Men also have “three choices”; work, work, or work. Interesting, huh? That may be true, but my response to that, in general, is to ask, please, when do I get to choose one of those options? Did I somehow miss the call to choose or get in the wrong line somewhere along the line?

Jolene Ivey, co-founder of the nonprofit Mocha Moms, Inc. is a Maryland state delegate and a mother of 5 boys. She’s married to Glenn Ivey, the state’s attorney for Prince George’s County, Maryland. In a recent commentary on cnn.com, where she wrote about how Michele Obama may reshape the definition of a Stay-at-Home-Mom, Jolene said “it was [once] common for black women to leave their own children at home to fend for themselves and go to work for low wages as domestics in the homes of well-off white families. As African-Americans have gotten more opportunities, a college degree has been a ticket to the career ladder. Period. Devoting full time to motherhood is considered a waste of education by many in the black community. Middle-class white women, on the other hand, were [once] expected to stay home with their children. They fought their way into the workforce in large numbers relatively recently. The feminist and civil rights movements opened the working world to all women, but culturally, black women still were discouraged from being the primary caretakers of their own children.”

In my view, this debate is less about gender or race than it is about socio-economic issues in general. All of the wonderful women around me in the all-white, blue-collar world that I grew up in, worked full-time. These women started out their married lives in a society that expected women to stay home and take care of the family. But, as economics in society changed, that expectation changed for them, too. None of those women I am thinking of had college degrees and none of them worked because their particular job fulfilled some career or professional objective. In a few cases, they may have worked because they chose to work. But the reason they chose to work was that their paycheck allowed the family more options. They may have just made it on one income, but two incomes opened the door to choices they wouldn’t have otherwise been offered and options that they considered necessities. For women in families with higher incomes working outside the home wasn’t an option, much less an obligation. In their circle, taking a job would have been considered neglectful and self-indulgent. Some of those women took jobs anyway and were often thought to be selfish, making their kids come home to an empty house and the family eat warmed-over dinners at night. They were sometimes looked down upon by their peers. However, some of those working women were thought to be brave and lucky. In the all-white, blue-collar world that I grew up in, the brave and lucky women, like the black women, in Jolene Ivey’s example, were the ones who got to stay at home. In any case, the women who successfully bucked the norm and/or broke through the boundaries were thought to be the fortunate ones by the ones who wanted to but couldn't or wouldn't.

So, the definition of what is the luxurious or brave or correct “choice” is subjective. I knew kids whose moms didn’t work. Some of them belonged to the local country club; played golf and swam in the pool there. Their dad’s often wore ties to work and/or owned their own businesses. Eating out at restaurants with white table cloths, where you paid the check at the table, wasn’t completely foreign to them. Their parents had cocktails and played bridge. Their moms belonged to the ladies aid and volunteered at the hospital during the day. To be frank, their families had more money than we did. We went camping on the weekends and swam in area lakes. We grilled hamburgers and played outside with our cousins while our parents played cards and drank coffee. My dad wore a uniform to work. We went out to eat at McDonalds or Perkins (when we went out at all). We had teenage babysitters during the summer and my mom took extra time at her lunch hour to drive us down to swimming lessons at the lake. I had an awesome childhood. I truly did. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sometimes, though, I envied my friends who had more toys and whose moms didn’t work or only dabbled in it part time. Of course, I know I had friends who envied me sometimes. I still remember a time when my best friend was ecstatic because her mom had some event that day so when she got off the bus after school, her mom wouldn’t be home. My siblings and I stepped off the bus one afternoon and began our normal walk home, until we remembered that mom had a day off that day and would be home when we got there. Then we ran.

I suppose that in one way or another, we may always want what we do not have. But I get all mixed up with that word “choice”. Maybe we shouldn't discuss which choice for whatever reason, but rather just that there should be choice, in general. I think that maybe choice itself is the necessity – and that’s why those first brave women pushed back against the norms at the time. I believe there are more choices now than ever before for all of us. Thank God.

Still, when that blasted alarm woke me up from a very nice sleep this morning at 6am, it was 9 degrees outside and I'm getting a cold. Everyone was sound asleep. The house was quiet, warm and cozy. I like choice, but I have to admit I wouldn't have minded a few of those old limits women had put upon them.

Just for a little while.